The person who rented my apartment before me left a lot of good stuff: a sectional sofa, a coffee table, a loveseat/chair, shelves, dishes, and a banquet table that now serves as my desk. I use the term “good” in the broadest sense, meaning these items cost me nothing so I can overlook pesky details like ugly colors, age of furniture, and assorted stains.
As an added bonus, I still find surprises in cabinets or behind the sofa. A few months ago I found a great picture of three people dancing at a party — two of the people look cool and appear to be having lots of fun, and the third is in the background looking sick. I put the picture on my refrigerator.
Somewhat more disturbing is the bucket of lard I found tucked away in a cupboard. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered lard before. It seems like it’s from a different cooking era. I envision the progression of Acceptable Cooking Fats in this way:
Long ago — Randomly selected fatty pieces of animals are rubbed on hot cooking surfaces. Everything tasted great.
Not as long ago — Lard is packaged in buckets and distributed across the land. Uniformity in cooking fat leads to more consistent duplication of recipes, tasty pie crusts, as well as great suntans after people discover they can lard themselves up and crisp in the sun.
Fairly recently, like, when I was six — Crisco replaces lard as the fat of choice. Nobody knows exactly what Crisco is, but it’s better than lard. It sounds like an upgrade: “Crisco” brings to mind crispiness, speed, and San Francisco. “Lard” brings to mind lard. It’s difficult to find a word that sounds worse.
Current day — Nobody admits to cooking with any type of fat. If they do, it’s something like Promise Ultra Lean Spread with Zero Calories and Zero Fat and Supreeem Butter-ee Flavor. THIS is the era with which I’m familiar.
As you can see from my scientific analysis, I have stumbled upon a type of fat from three generations ago. I have no idea what to do with it, but I’m drawn to my bucket of lard. I want to stick my hand in there and feel…lard. Then I want to cook something. What should it be?
A side note: This bucket has a seal on it that states “Inspected and Passed by the U. S. Department of Agriculture, EST. 1575.” That is not a typo. The Department of Agriculture has been inspecting lard since 1575 and this bucket passed inspection. This is good lard. USDA approved.
You know what happened (according to Wikipedia, so it has to be true) in 1575?
* William I of Orange marries Charlotte de Bourbon.
* Queen Elizabeth I of England grants a monopoly on producing printed sheet music to Thomas Tallis and William Byrd.
* The bubonic plague decimates Venice.
…and, of course,
* The U. S. Department of Agriculture starts inspecting lard.
So, the question becomes: What do I do with this amazing find? I’m torn between cooking with it, or taking the bucket around town with me and photographing it in front of landmarks. I’m going to Chicago on Wednesday so I could bring Bernard the Bucket of Lard with me and show him the Windy City. I’m open to other suggestions…
{ 7 } Comments
I was just reading about crafts to do with little kids, and one was making a pinecone birdfeeder — with lard! And a pinecone, of course, and some birdseed.
Amazing that before the pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock, the US Government was busy inspecting things. Just goes to show the ubiquity of bureaucracy.
I think Bernard would have a lovely time in Chicago, and I would love to see photos of him enjoying the Parthenon or loosening his lid to get a little tan at the beach over Spring Break. Just don’t let him fry.
Maybe you should give him little googly eyes and some eyebrows so he’s more photogenic.
I have to buy a new bag and I’ll see if I can get one that will allow for Bernard. If not, I figured I could scoop a little Bernard-lard out and take it in a baggy (under 3 oz., per TSA regulations) and then smear bits of him on Chicago. Same with Spring Break or any venture. I want to share Bernard, much like he’d be shared if I turned him into a birdfeeder. I think John Travolta went over this sharing theory in “Phenomenon.”
I’m stil lso grossed out by a giant tub of lard that I can barely hold my eyes open to type this.
As gross as it would be, and as much as I hope I am nowhere near when it is done, I think it would be cool to set some fireworks up inside the lard and set them off, — thus exploding the lard, allowing it to be showered down upon the earth from whence it perhaps came, and sharing it with the world. Or, it would just plop out in small splats of cellulite-in-waiting.
Now I have to go sear my eyes with a hot brand and allow myself to vomit.
I’ll take it!!!
Ohhhh yeah baby – lard makes the BEST piecrusts bar none. Lard is rich and tasty and far better for you than the overhyped and overprocessed whipped, beaten, drugged, additived, and abused vegetable oils that stagger into your stores at last, with an expiration date. If you’ve ever stuffed down Mexican food, or scarfed those piping hot Krispy Kreme doughnuts, you’ve eaten lard.
Find out how much shipping is and we’ll talk! LOL
PS I eat real butter and real whipped and sour cream, too – not the fake stuff. And real fresh-killed beef and deer and turkey and chicken too… my cholesterol is sooo low…. and I “work out” every day on the farm…
Mmmmm. Butter. My favorite. Throw in some cream cheese and chocolate (dark, not milk), and you have the holy trinity.
Post a Comment