Part of the reason I started the blog up again was to write about what it’s like to pursue an MFA in fiction. I guess this is the first real post about that — some things that run through my head with 26 days left before I leave my home, girlfriend, parents, friends, and neighbors for my first semester. I don’t know where these posts will go. Some will be technical, some vague, some happy, some sad. It’ll be a fun ride, I think, and I’ll enjoy reading them once this is all over with.
MFA. Grad school. Moving to Nashville. Fun! There’s a lot to be excited about, but today I’m writing about the days that suck.
The days when all the positives seem inconsequential and you just want to sit on the couch with your girlfriend and your dog and watch movies forever.
The nights when you stay up laughing and chatting about nothing in particular. You make up “80’s pop music revues” and sing them until you fall apart giggling.
The mornings when you walk your sleepy 12 year old mutt and he stands, vacant-eyed and groggy, in the middle of the street. In front of an impatient school bus.
The question: Why are you leaving this?
The afternoons when you try to write and everything is shit, and you wonder, will it always be shit? Why is that story I just read (that was written by a 15 year old) better than mine?
The evenings when you stand in the kitchen making dinner and can’t remember if your new apartment has a window or not.
The midnight panic attacks: Where will the money come from? What if the A/C breaks?
The lunchtimes when you’re home alone and your friends are working, and you realize they’re going to go on with their lives, and you with yours, and that’s just how it is.
The days that you don’t want to write about the days that suck, because you’re whining…because millions of people never have the opportunities and privileges you do, because you won a higher education lottery and you’re crying about it.
The minutes and hours you spend wondering if it’s worth it.
The moments you can’t make anyone understand.
You run until you hurt. You stand in the ocean and let waves smash into you. You don’t drink because you’re afraid.
You get into the shower and lay down in the tub and let water run over you and you get up some amount of time later and know that they’ll come to an end…
…all…the days…that suck.
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Aw, Alex. You do have my sympathies. but, just wait…
For the day that you wrte something passionately, deeply, and inspirationally, that sums up the glowing Truth you see, and submit it… and then have a deep sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. What if I’m wrong?
The day you make a decision that affects hundreds of people, not merely yourself, and just as you come down on the side that you believe is right, fair, honest, and true, a little voice behind you says, “Wait”…
The day you feel like a mature, responsible, and cognizant adult, and they put your first child in your arms, and you realize that with the economy, your job, your life, you can never, will never be able to, provide adequately for this child…
The day when your sight is so clear, so brilliantly precise, your hands cannot move fast enough, accurately enough, to get it all down – and no one else sees what you see, is blind to your true meaning, interprets everything you’ve written as if they had mud blinders on…
This is life. Welcome to it! Take all the challenges… have no regrets.
Thank god I’m not only the soon-to-be-MFA student riding the emotional roller coaster. I’m with you, Alex. What loops on my mental soundtrack lately is: What the hell am I doing? A good question with no obvious answer. Yet.
One thing I know is that there are more days that suck when you’re doing what you know you shouldn’t be doing. I’m a lot happier with a fairly uncharted course than a cubicle-bound existence in which excitement comes in the form of monthly Cake Days and/or inspirational calisthenic-based team building exercises.
Inspirational calisthenic-based team building? How have I missed out on that?
Wellll that was something I arranged on my own with my department. Speedos, excessive amounts of coffee, and jumping jacks. It was an awesome sight.
(My inspiration is the Michael Keaton movie “Gung Ho”)
hello sir ! i’m sorry you had those days, but the guilting yourself about having them does not make them any better, so let’s not go there. and i am glad i found your tunes.
be well. move soon! transitions are terrible.
heyyyy leora. Glad you stopped by. And thank you. Hope you’re having a good summer. I was just thinking about those word-by-word poems…
God, I had a week like this too, and I’m not even going to an MFA program yet
But I think the spot on way you’ve captured these emotions proves what a good writer you will be. I think this would be an awesome subject for a story, and if you don’t write it, I may have to steal it.
And, I really hope the suck days pass quickly and your hope and enthusiasm return
The only thing that would suck is letting that black hole of the unknown determine your future instead of taking your future into your own hands.
You have a lot of talent, and your years at the college will just bring what’s latent to manifest itself even more.
Here my friend let me put your little mind to rest in that you made the right decision. Saturday was spent working on Dafuskie as certain departments within our cubile environment can’t think without assistance. Then because again certain departments can’t do their job the power goes out to all of our stuff in the cable building and I spent my whole birthday getting it all back up. You are on the right path my friend no doubt about it.
Ah HA! That caps off a weekend in which I slowly remembered why, despite the days that suck, there is a very real reason why I started down this road…many reasons, actually…and they outweigh the suckiness by many many many megatons.
Pity that my improved mood comes at your expense. Sorry to hear that’s how your birthday went.
We will have an evening of drinking soon to alleviate frustration.
I made the transition somewhat differently than you. I owned the business, but just stopped putting the normal amount of effort into it. It’s lasted fairly well–until the past few months.
Hit dem keys ASAP
All the best,
Rick
You know, that’s probably the best thing…hit dem keys. It’s easy to get caught up in stuff, but you have to keep one word in mind: Forward.
I stole that idea from someone, and don’t remember who.
But I like it. Always move forward.
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