There’s some strong language down below. I don’t think I have many young readers…figured I’d post a warning if you’re reading this at work.
I realized this weekend that I’ve lost track of MLK Day and what it means to me. Here’s a subject I should devote time to and the most significant thing I’ve done is write an essay for a contest in high school. I won the contest. I don’t remember what I wrote, but I read it in front of a church audience. I think I won a savings bond.
This may not be much. A blog post among millions on the Internet. But it’s a start.
First, something about me. If I had to sum up my philosophy in one sentence, it’d be a Spike Lee title: “Do the right thing.” I judge myself on that. Did I do the right thing in a given situation? No? Why not? How can I correct my behavior? That’s it. Personal responsibility, a sense of right and wrong, a motto that can apply to any situation.
I’m a good critic, and for a long time I devoted too much time to beating myself up over four or five core moments in which I didn’t do the right thing. I made a choice almost three years ago to turn that around, and this is why: If you don’t like yourself (I didn’t, and, more frequently than I’d like to admit, still don’t) you can’t imagine why people would like you. You can see how that might be unhealthy. What I try to do now is correct what I can and use experience to help me in new situations. I think I have one out of the five decisions “fixed.” Today I’m trying to get started on another.
Half of my family is black. Twenty-five years ago my mom re-married. Her husband, the man I consider my father, is black. People like Stephen Colbert joke about “not seeing color,” and I’m not going to lie. That’s not how it works. I see skin color. I make judgments. I think we all do, no matter how much we try to act like we don’t. But that’s never been a factor when it comes to my family. I’m not sure how that happened…it was part luck and part circumstance. I grew up in a diverse suburb of Washington, D. C., and my schools were completely mixed. Everyone was a minority. I don’t remember feeling uncomfortable when I was out with my parents or when people from school saw us or anything like that. And all the individuals incorporated into the family — step-sisters, cousins, grandparents, aunts, and uncles — were people, plain and simple.
(Now you’d probably hear differently from my parents. Remember, I was seven years old and oblivious. I’m sure I’m understating this when I say that interracial relationships have to be full of awkward encounters.)
This is something I’ve learned (and something we all know): If you’re a white, heterosexual male you’re part of The Club. It’s a privileged bunch, and membership ensures that I’ll be protected from many of society’s ills strictly because I won a genetic lottery. However, I’m not your typical Club member. I look like I belong in The Club. I probably talk like most Club members do. I wear the same clothes, I like the same music, I follow the same sports teams. I feel like an undercover agent, though. From ages two to seven, I was raised by a single mom. Then, from seven to present, I’ve been part of a big ol’ interracial family.
I’m sure The Club leadership would love to have a Scarlet Letter System, one in which guys like me have big S’s and R’s (”Hey, he’s one of those PC types who can’t take a little sexism or racism!”) tattooed on our foreheads, to prevent unfortunate bouts of honesty. But there’s no SLS. I get to hear all the juicy details when I’m at a Club gathering.
I had this thought pop into my head today: Think about what you accept from yourself, and what you accept from others. That’s what got me started down this road. Now we get to the uncomfortable part.
I’m going to list some quotes that are examples of what happens when The Club gets together. I’m doing this because I don’t think people believe me when I tell these stories in person. They don’t know how to listen or react when it’s brought up during polite dinner conversations. If I had to guess, I’d say they think I’m exaggerating. Or too sensitive. Or too politically correct. I’m not sure how to combat that, but I hope that by putting this down in words there will somehow be more weight, or more time to consider what I’m saying. Maybe it will stick.
I’m not going to make this a regional issue. I’ve heard similar garbage at Club meetings from Virginia to Minnesota to South Korea to Austria to South Carolina. It’s foolish to think ignorance is limited to specific areas.
These quotes are bold because I want you to read them. I want you to understand that this is what people are still saying. They could be your friends or family. I know that sounds impossible, but I’m asking you to trust me. I believe in the best of all possible worlds. I believe in the best in people. I try as hard as I can to be open. Yet I cannot even begin to list how many times I’ve been shocked by what a supposedly open-minded, “normal” person has told me in confidence or within the protective confines of The Club. This is what they’ve said.
On the golf course: “Is that a Nike ball? Don’t use that. That’s a nigger ball. You don’t want to use a nigger ball.”
Random conversation: “The slave ships couldn’t have been that bad. Black people are closer to animals, so they could survive being chained up like that. That’s how they made it.”
At work, discussing projects: “Women just aren’t good at this. They get too frantic, too emotional. That’s the real reason they aren’t good managers.”
Judging poor workmanship: “Well, if that isn’t nigger-rigged I don’t know what is.”
Random conversation: “The problem with the schools is all the black kids. And Mexicans.”
Discussing the Middle East: “Muslims are savages. They live like animals, they don’t respect human life, and they deserve what they get. They’re subhuman. Look at them on TV. Running around and throwing rocks. Savages.”
At work, discussing a female colleague’s work: “That looks good. You know what else would look good? My dick in her mouth.”
Random conversation: “Gay people are just sick. It’s sick, it’s a disease.”
At work, discussing another employee: “And you know the worst thing? He only got that position because he’s black. They couldn’t put another white guy in that position.”
Completely out of the blue, watching MTV: “I hate black people.”
(Note: When I say “at work” I mean any of my four or five jobs. Again, this ain’t a regional thing.)
Ugly stuff, isn’t it? If you stick your head in the sand you can get comfortable thinking this doesn’t happen. You can expect, and trust, that people have changed. You might even think people are starting to understand that we’re all human beings struggling to find our way on this crazy planet, in this crazy solar system, in this crazy galaxy among billions of galaxies.
Are we getting better, or are we getting better at lying? I don’t see as much outright racism as what has been described to me by people who grew up in the formative years of the civil rights movement, but I don’t think it’s very far from the surface. Not much time has passed. Not even a generation. There’s a lot of fear. A lot of ignorance, and the scary part is that it’s younger people, too, going down the same dangerous paths. It’s not just racism — it’s sexism, homophobia, rampant isolationism/nationalism, and religious discrimination. Don’t think so? Think we’re all one big happy family?
Why are we blaming Mexicans for everything?
Why are Arab stereotypes (those savages! those bombers! those haters of women! those spreaders of terror!) showing up in every movie, TV show, and video game?
Why was Sean Taylor a thug first, a father second?
How does an entire editorial staff, not just a vice president/editor, but an entire staff of writers and editors think that putting a noose on the cover of their latest issue is an appropriate way to discuss a TV anchor’s use of the word “lynch” and racism in golf?
Think about women in your workplace…what they encounter, what they fight against, what they have to put up with. Today. In 2008.
It’s all shifting around in a pool of xenophobic, racist, sexist bile, right there under that nice, thin layer…the one that lets us all talk about American Idol together and think we’re united.
Think about what you accept from yourself, and what you accept from others.
That’s why I’m writing today. For the most part, I accepted these things. I accepted what is unacceptable in any environment, whether it’s work, social, or personal. Sure, I spoke up about a comment here and there, enough to ensure Club members didn’t say similar things around me anymore. What did that accomplish? Word got around the local Club. Alex’s dad is black. Don’t make nigger jokes. That’s about it.
Remember those four or five core decisions I mentioned earlier? That decision, the decision to do nothing, is one of them. How am I any better than the people who said these things? What do I owe my family and friends? What would they think if they could watch from a hidden camera and see me wilting in these situations? How can I be happy with myself, when I’m hurting them by inaction?
And how will anything ever change if even “concerned” folks like me sit back and let this continue?
The answer is that nothing will change if we’re complacent. Nothing will change if we retreat to our holes, huddle together with people just like us, and look out at the world with paranoia and fear and resignation in our hearts. It will never, ever change. I cannot accept this.
I hope there are some other members of The Club who feel the same way. I hope they speak up. Or leave. Join another club. Let’s start one together.
Here’s the connection to MLK Day: the Day of Service.
“During his lifetime, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. worked tirelessly toward a dream of equality. He believed in a nation of freedom and justice for all, and encouraged all citizens to live up to the purpose and potential of America by applying the principles of nonviolence to make this country a better place to live, creating the Beloved Community.
The King Day of Service is a way to transform Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s life and teachings into community service that helps solve social problems. That service may meet a tangible need, such as fixing up a school or senior center, or it may meet a need of the spirit, such as building a sense of community or mutual responsibility.”
On January 1 I said I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I still don’t, but I have a change to work on, for 2008 and beyond. No more acceptance. It’s my responsibility, to my family, friends, and community, to speak up in the face of intolerance. It starts with a blog post…and I bet there’s no end. No finish line. I can’t fix everything, but I can at least make an effort. That’s what MLK Day is about for me. I’m glad I remembered that.
I hope you take some time to look over that web site, reflect, and continue living up to your purpose and potential. Make sure this isn’t just another day.
{ 18 } Comments
Great post Alex.
I resent working on MLK Day, so this will be too long. In the past, I have tried to use the day to reflect on how I’m living up to that goal, that standard I set for myself. I read King’s Mountaintop speech in the morning (and will today as well) — since it was by far his best, so creepily set the night before his assassination. This morning while I drove to work, I made note of the number of garbage trucks I passed (four) — it was meaningful to me that the day isn’t recognized here by the industry he was representing when he died. But that is my sentimental melancholy about living in a time and place that values work above everything else.
I read somewhere that true social change takes at least two generations — but I think that sells it short and fear that before we reach the mountaintop, that we are going to revert back to the very depths of ignorance and hatred we’ve been clawing our way out of for the past couple generations. It may no longer be socially acceptable to say that women don’t belong in the workplace, but it is perfectly all right to question a woman’s ability to be a good mother while she works full time. It may not be socially acceptable to say that a black man can’t run a company, but it is perfectly fine if someone calls into the Bluffton Today Vox to say the only thing people need to remember about Obama is that his middle name is Hussein. And I don’t believe for a second that the outrage over illegal immigration has anything to do with Visa status, but the fear of the Club losing ground. And we’re getting to a place where it is a social crime to be anything but a vocal Christian, which makes it very hard for me to even claim the faith I grew up in.
And for those who know me, know that I have been struggling mightily with wanting to leave my job and feeling like I need to be here to keep bringing voice to those things that I believe fall short of equality or fairness. I know I can’t go out into the field and change everything that is said and I can’t go into the executive offices and change everything that is thought, but I can give voice that actions or perceptions are not kosher. And while it may not ultimately change anything, it does get voiced — even if it does make me unpopular sometimes. And what I measure myself against is what Jesus said is the most important commandment — to love your neighbor as yourself, which to me means to make sure that I want for my neighbors (and all my neighbors not just the ones I like) what I want for myself and those I love. So to borrow from my favorite speech…
“It’s all right to talk about “long white robes over yonder,” in all of its symbolism. But ultimately people want some suits and dresses and shoes to wear down here. It’s all right to talk about “streets flowing with milk and honey,” but God has commanded us to be concerned about the slums down here, and his children who can’t eat three square meals a day. It’s all right to talk about the new Jerusalem, but one day, God’s preachers must talk about the New York, the new Atlanta, the new Philadelphia, the new Los Angeles, the new Memphis, Tennessee. This is what we have to do.”
And if you want some good reading, here’s a link to that speech. http://www.afscme.org/about/1549.cfm
I remember the first time I heard that speech. It’s easily my favorite. I was in elementary school and we watched a film (old-school filmstrip) on a clackety old machine in the back of the room. It was dark and rainy outside, and the last part of that speech was something I’ll always remember.
It is other-worldly.
“Well, I don’t know what will happen now. We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn’t matter with me now. Because I’ve been to the mountaintop. And I don’t mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land. And I’m happy, tonight. I’m not worried about anything. I’m not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.”
(Here’s the ubiquitous YouTube clip of that part: http://youtube.com/watch?v=o0FiCxZKuv8)
Even reading it and knowing how it sounds when he almost sings the last — I tear up. In the speech he talks about how he almost didn’t go that night, but without it I think we would have been doubly robbed — not just of his life the next morning, but of those chilling and challenging words. What do we do, — what do I do — to ensure that WE get to the mountaintop? What would we do if we feared no man? If we had even a glimpse of the promised land?
It’s scary. There’s this struggle — I know I should do more, but I don’t. Then you think, ok, well, if everyone thinks that way, what’s going to happen? I think some people are content to go along for the ride…and accept…and some realize they’re here to do more. I can’t say for sure that anyone *put* me here to do anything, but I know how I was raised and what people have done before me. I’d be letting everyone down if I was content and happy and oblivious.
It’s about thinking beyond your self.
Which led me to another King speech called “Conquering Self-Centeredness” which, once you get through the church business at the beginning, is incredibly interesting and insightful. It works today like it did 51 years ago:
“But when one matures, when one rises above the early years of childhood, he begins to love people for their own sake. He turns himself to higher loyalties. He gives himself to something outside of himself. He gives himself to causes that he lives for and sometimes will even die for. He comes to the point that now he can rise above his individualistic concerns and he understands then what Jesus meant when he says, “He who finds his life shall lose it; he who loses his life for my sake, shall find it.” In other words, he who finds his ego shall lose his ego, but he who loseth his ego for my sake, shall find it. And so you see people who are apparently selfish; it isn’t merely an ethical issue but it is a psychological issue. They are the victims of arrested development and they are still children. They haven’t grown up. And like a modern novelist says about one of his characters, “Edith is a little country, bounded on the east and the west, on the north and the south, by Edith.” And so many people are little countries, bounded all around by themselves and they never quite get out of themselves. And these are the persons who are victimized with arrested development.
Now the consequences, the disruptive effects of such self-centeredness, such egocentric desires are tragic. And we see these every day. At first, it leads to frustration and disillusionment and unhappiness at many points. For usually when people are self-centered, they are self-centered because they are seeking attention, they want to be admired and this is the way they set out to do it. But in the process, because of their self-centeredness, they are not admired; they are mawkish and people don’t want to be bothered with them. And so the very thing they seek, they never get. And they end up frustrated and unhappy and disillusioned.”
(forgot to add this)
And I think, Sarah, that you’re doing a great thing if you bring that passion and thoughtfulness to your job and stick with it. That’s what I want to do…you’re a step ahead of all the people like me who sat back and let things slide.
I’m just going to keep commenting on my own post because I, too, don’t particularly like working today.
Here’s a thread on the blog section of a local newspaper’s web site.
“But discrimination “for color sake” is not the norm these days. Discrimination for “class” is more likely.
Today blacks enslave theirselves with lack of education, lack of assimulation, lack of a traditional family (70% born out of wedlock), and enslaved to government entitlements.
Today, the playing field is level, get over it and get in the game. Your victimhood is tiresome.”
OR
“Wealthy blacks go anywhere and are accepted anywhere they go.”
Yep, everything is just peachy. “Lack of assimulation” and “Get over it.” The perfect sentiment for MLK Day.
There is no such thing as a level playing field when even two generations ago black people in this country weren’t guaranteed an equal education — or an education at all — and when even now I would dare anyone to say that the education in poor, majority black areas is the same as that in the suburbs. I’m disgusted by that thinking. Level playing field — in a country where we had to pass laws to protect minorities from discrimination in the workplace? In a place where resumes are disregarded because names look too “ethnic?” In a place where women I know gave their daughters names that could go for either a boy or a girl so that future employers would at least look at it? Level playing field when people are judged to be criminals simply for wearing certain clothes or for having an accent? Level playing field when my boss most likely re-thought hiring me when I mentioned that I might one day want to have a kid?
It’s a ridiculous thing to say. As is the comment about assimilation, which is stupid on (at least) two levels: how do you assimilate into parts of society that don’t welcome you, and why should you have to assimilate at all? Why should you have to match someone else’s definitions of what is right or proper or expected?
That’s the sort of stuff that makes me wonder. The Internet becomes an extension of The Club. At least anonymity brings out a certain form of honesty…and ignorance.
Alex and Sarah,
Thanks for the powerful post, thought-provoking discussion and link to that beautiful and extremely moving speech. Boy, do I feel like a loser for sitting around on this day off without thinking at all about what it means.
It’s funny, because I’ve been thinking and writing about that kind of arrested development King describes a lot lately, but the speech makes me realize that it means so much more than I thought it did.
My personal anger over the air of entitlement of the haves and the blaming of the have nots has mellowed recently and I don’t know why. It is a disgrace, that so many people in the richest country on the planet don’t have much hope to escape their poverty, and it’s even worse that so many people feel that their own good fortune is some kind of stamp of approval from Jesus and that those in poverty are there for “a reason,” a reason of their own making. It’s disgusting and tragic, and I suppose action starts with understanding and outrage.
So thanks to you both. You each deserve the day off way more than I do.
I refuse to comment on this blog now that I know it’s being run by a homo-loving, feminist-supporter mulatto.
Besides, I have to go and get some touch-up work done on the huge swastika tattooed on the back of my head. Then I have to go beat up some queers and burn a flag.
White power bitches!
I always try to avoid discussions on discrimination and equality (or unequality for that matter) because ususally people start quoting speeches and legal stuff. And I don’t like to quote things, usually because I can’t remember who said what and in what year. The point of this statement is simply that this post is MY OPINION and nothing more. I think that every single person will pass judgement on every single person they meet each and every day of their lives. I think this is normal, and in alot of ways very helpful. For example when I am meeting someone new, I use their appearance to help me figure out what to talk to them about. A young female, I am going to open with something I saw in entertainment news. A male, going start with sports. Elderly, going to ask about family or the weather. Etc. Where I think the problem occurs is when you use stereotypes to confine a person rather than help you relate to them. Now sometimes you can influence the steroetypes people make about you–such as not wearing a short skirt if you don’t want people looking at your legs, or brushing your hair if you want people to think you shower. Sometimes you can’t. Like I am female, can’t change that. But I think ultimately you are responsible for the way anyone treats you. And sometimes that is not fair. Like I have to prove that I am actually fairly intelligent often when I meet someone new or see a new patient. And someone older, with brown hair, male, or purple skin might not have to do that as often. But that is life. And life is not fair. And sometimes I fight the battle and other times I don’t. It just depends on how much I care about the outcome. I also agree with everyone that is thinking I am not thinking “big picture” enough–but I guess I am just thinking about the best way I can handle stereotypes and discrimination at an individual level.
Hmm…no speeches cited. I’m going to have to disqualify KiTe Girl’s post. Well, for two reasons…no speeches, and she’s a chick.
Seriously, though, I agree that we’re all constantly judging. You’re right — the big issue is using stereotypes to put people in a neat little box. And when you deal in stereotypes, you start to forget you’re talking about people. Empathy goes away, or like you said, you’re no longer trying to relate to them.
But, to a certain extent, there’s no requirement to overthink this. You pick your operating philosophy and stick with it. The overthinkers (me included) just end up with wonky heartrates, ulcers, and permanent scowls.
Who let in the comic relief? If anyone else is interested, you can find Mr. Impossible performing at clandestine meetings in scarcely populated regions of Alabama, Arkansas, and/or Montana depending on when the militias have their annual conventions.
Great post Alex. I did not do enough thinking about MLK today. In my defense I went to church (!) yesterday for the first time in years. It was the Unitarian Universalist Church and the sermon was about action for racial equality. The minister’s point was that Rosa Parks was not just, as myth would have it, a mere seamstress from Woolworth’s. She was very active with the NAACP and (according to the minister; I haven’t fact-checked this) there were months of preparation before her famous refusal to stand. In other words, there is a lot of work, everyday work, going into this fight for racial equality — and social and economic justice in general — which is not over. You do this work every day, or you try, so that when the moment comes for you to refuse to stand (for example), you are ready.
All this to say, Alex, I think you’re dead-on that we regular people in our everyday lives need to do the little things. To live ethical lives, not passively and tolerant of intolerance but actually speaking out for what we know is right.
That’s my (unsourced, un-fact-checked) opinion. Going to watch/read some King speeches now.
Alex — This is way late, and you may never see it, but I want you to know how moved I was by what you said and by the fact that you cared enough to say it. It’s true that most white males in Western society have enjoyed privileged status and now feel entitled to it. Few are willing to admit the situation and to share their feelings about it.
As you may know, I’ve had my battles about race on the BT site and have basically given up on those discussions. To me, it’s very troubling that a community newspaper in a town as diverse as Bluffton and with its history is so dominated by white people. And it’s such a missed opportunity.
But young males like yourself give me hope, and I thank you for that. May your future be bright and may all that sensitivity and insight bring you marvelous things.
PB
Not too late, PB, and thanks for reading. This was one of my favorite “discussions” on this blog, and I remember reading your posts at BT. I do believe things will change for the better. On good days, that is. Sometimes I wonder…
Totally timely — with the 40th anniversary of MLK’s death this past Friday, we have so many reminders of how our action and our continuing the conversation is necessary. When I drove home Friday, I heard the recording of the end of Martin’s last speech — and was moved to tears. Where are we now? The garbage workers in Memphis last week don’t consider themselves that much better off than they were 40 years ago — in fact some of them are still working since they have never been paid enough to have a time in their life when they’re not working.
The work to counter racism and sexism and all the isms is so important — but I think it is important to remember that Martin saw in his last fight the way he could link his past work with racial inequality with his new project — poverty. Where are our leaders taking us now in the fight against poverty? Who are the leaders in the fights against poverty? It is short-sighted to remember Martin as the civil rights leader during the black coming of age — we have so many battles ahead of us… And who will lead?
Sarah — Some women give me hope too. :>)
One last thing to anyone who is interested in race relations in the US. There is a new book called “Slavery by Another Name” by Douglas A Blackmon, who is from Atlanta. It’s about the period between the Civil War and WW2 and how African-Americans were basically re-enslaved by systems that kept them in debt and in fear. He has a website, and it’s worth googling and visiting whether you have time for the book or not.
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